Flu Season

For years I have refrained from getting the flu shot because so many people talked about how it made them sick.  The shot that is supposed to keep one from getting sick can actually make you sick.  WTF?

So yes, I never got it.  Because what, really, is the point of getting something to keep you from getting sick (hypothetically) if it makes you sick?  Well, this year I was conned into getting one by Wes.  And I agreed to it because he just wouldn’t give up.

And then, yes, I got sick.  Not full on flu sick, but sick nonetheless.  Sure not everyone gets sick from it – Wes didn’t – but I apparently do.  And I probably will not get one again.  The $30 certainly wasn’t worth it to me.

Surprise!

Three weddings down and just one more to go for 2009!  Yes, we’ve had a blast at all of them, but this whirlwind of travel is wearing both of us down.  More often than not this summer, we’ve been out of town.  And, wow, it is ever exhausting.

This week was Portland.  And, as it happened to coincide with our engagement, Wes’ parents decided to host a brunch for his family and family friends to come over.  I had invited my parents because my mom has been going nuts about not seeing me (and my ring) until Christmas.  She declined because my dad was traveling all week and Wes and I would be super busy with things not having to do with family.

And we were.  It was non-stop.  But it was fun.  After shopping all Saturday we arrived back at his parents house for an awesome surprise: my parents had driven up to celebrate with us (so had my brother, but he didn’t show up until Sunday).  It had been planned from the very beginning.  Unfortunately, we didn’t get to spend a lot of time with them because the wedding festivities took us away shortly after we got home and then we both left in the early afternoon on Sunday.

It was fun to celebrate with both sides of the family, and for my family to meet his – even though they’ve been conversing over facebook for just about ever.

But now I am just about exhausted.  I want to crawl under my desk and fall asleep I’m so tired.  The next two months are mostly spent in town and I’m looking forward to spending a good portion of that in our bed.

Mediocre No More

One of my faults is that I get frustrated easily.  Which leads to me not completing a lot of tasks I set out to do because It’s Just Too Difficult to follow through.  My thought process goes something like this: 1) Grand Idea that I’m super excited about and ready to go for (see: blogging every day for a month, working out every day for a month, cooking regular meals, not eating awful foods, and the list goes on); 2) Dive in and go hard for a week or so; 3) Lament that fact that It’s Just Too Difficult to get the desired (perfect) outcome; 4) Mope; 5) Cry; 6) Give up.

Yes, in the end a lot of things I start I just end up giving up on because the way I want it to end is so clearly not going to happen.  And the reason why it’s not going to happen?  Because I’ve gotten by most of my life on being Just Good Enough and most of my Grand Ideas are, well, they’re GRAND and Just Good Enough isn’t going to get them finished.

Like the GRE I signed up for months ago because my job is just so damn boring and unchallenging and is slowly sucking the life and (what was left of any I originally started with) inspiration right out of me.  But then the studying, dear lord,  it just never ended.  Math that I haven’t done in many many many years.  And part of why I don’t follow through with things is that some of them just make me feel dumb.  And I hate hate hate feeling dumb.  It’s the most horrible feeling in the world and I can switch from being The Smartest Person in the Whole Wide World of Course I Will Pass the GRE with Flying Colors to I Am So Dumb Why Am I Even Trying to Delude Myself Into Thinking That This is a Good Idea? in about three questions.

So, of course, I put off studying.  And because I put off studying it the questions never get easier; the equations don’t stick with me.  And then I don’t want to study.  Can you see the cycle of OMG I SUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!?

The test is in less than two weeks and even though I postponed it an additional month from the original test date, I am no closer to feeling confident about it.  No closer to feeling like I will make this standardized test my bitch than I was when I signed up for it.  In fact, I think I’m further away now that I have started (sort of) studying because I realize how daunting it is.

***********************

My brother is really smart.  I mean, like really really reallysmart.  But he’s also very dumb.  Dumb because he’s never applied himself.  Whereas I will do things Just Good Enough (see: high school, college and every job I’ve ever had), he just won’t do them because What is the Point?  He didn’t graduate high school and he hasn’t completed college – not that either of those things make one successful.  So my Just Good Enough has probably always seemed much better than it actually is.  I’ve never had to push myself because he didn’t.

***********

Wes has been trying to help me study.  And I love that he wants me to succeed, is pushing me to do something more than what I’m doing because he knows how un-fulfilling it is.  But is there anything worse than studying a subject you know next-to-nothing about with someone who does it every day?  I know some people out there would think that it would be awesome because he knows it all already!  He’ll help you understand!  Well, to those people I say: HA!   That is not how I feel at all.  At all.  I feel even more dumb because to him it’s just a walk in the park, and to me it’s this huge mountain that I’ll never be able to climb (hello, dramatics!).  It’s a THING.  A thing that makes me cry and scratch out wrong answers with enough anger to rip the paper.

And yes, I do believe he gets frustrated.  Frustrated because he knows this isn’t the end of the world.  He knows that if I just study then I’ll get it – or I’ll get it enough to complete the test.  Frustrated because he believes in me when I refuse to (and yes, when I’m in the middle of it, I do refuse to believe that I will ever understand it).

I guess what it comes down to is that I’ve been okay with being mediocre my entire life.  I’ve been okay Just Getting By.  And I don’t want to be that person any more.  I don’t want to give up on ideas and dreams just because it looks too hard to accomplish.  I want to follow through on something.  And then I want to tackle another goal and complete it.  I’m sick of my life being a constant question of Why the hell can’t I just do something about it? and more of I’m fucking doing it!!!!!!!

My life needs more accomplished goals.

Starting with the GRE.

How Quickly it All Becomes About the Wedding

We haven’t even picked a date yet and I’m already nerding out on wedding things.  DIY from Martha Stewart and the Knot and every blogger that has had a wedding in the past two years.  I’m collecting all of their ideas and hard work and will figure a way to make them my own.

It’s so hard to start any sort of planning when the big things (date, location) are still up in the air.  I think about colors and dresses and favors and then put them all on the back burner because I’m not sure bright colors would fit in a fall wedding or dark purple for a spring wedding.

But there are a couple of things I can start thinking about: Music.  Father/daughter song, our first song as a married couple, the song we walk out of the ceremony to.  Do I want cheesy songs to play or do I keep Electric Slide off the play list?

And the invitations.  Wes’ sister has kindly offered to make them as our wedding gift, so I’ve been scouring other DIY invites to see what I want.  There are so many that it’s a bit overwhelming.  I have visions of weekends spent cutting paper, my hands cramped from so much of it.

Napkins monogrammed.

Favors.  Good lord, I don’t even know where to begin with this one.  What is a good favor for weddings?  Something original to us without being Original (ie, everyone and their mom is using it).

The save-the-date cards have been in my head for so long.  Now all I have to wait to do is pick a date.

Oh, and of course I can start thinking about the dress.  I’m just waiting for some lady friends to be around for shopping.  Preferably with champagne.

Finally! Or, Of Course I Said Yes

A couple of months ago Wes and I started a list of things that we want to see/do/accomplish before we leave Southern California.  Among those was the Aquarium of the Pacific in Long Beach, so when Wes said last week that we should get out there the following weekend I agreed that we should.

So Sunday morning – successfully not hung over after spending time with my family Saturday – we headed out to the Aquarium.

“I left tickets at Will Call because it makes me feel important, ” Wes said as we walked toward the entrance.

But there were no tickets for us at Will Call and we were sent to the information counter instead.

“Why don’t you check out the gift shop while I sort this out,” he said as we stood in line.  He certainly knows how to take care of things, so I wandered around the entrance and actually contemplated telling him to get out of line and just explore.  But I didn’t.

After he finally figured it out he said that, because they had messed up our tickets, we would get a free tour.  Sure, I thought, an aquarium docent to walk us around and point out fish.  Awesome.

But then our guide came out (and I’m awful for not remembering her name) and was wearing galoshes.  And then she started talking about otters.  Sea Otters are one of my favorite animals and it’s something that Wes and I totally share.  So, yeah, I sort of thought that he planned this but my god can that boy keep his cool.  When I looked at him like, Yeah, sure they’re letting us feed sea otters for losing a pair of tickets he just shrugged like Don’t question it. And I didn’t.  Too much.

Sure thoughts of Is this it? popped through my head.  But mostly I just enjoyed feeding Brooke.  And when we finished feeding Brooke and nothing, well, I just knew that was it.  He just wanted to surprise me with something fun at the aquarium and now on to see all those fishes.

But as we were leaving the trainer said there was a cancellation with the sea lions and would we like to feed them?  Um, yes please.  Heading down to the sea lions all other thoughts were put out of my head because I genuinely believe that there was a cancellation and that this was just a fluke.

The sea lions were fun, of course.  We fed Miller, a 29-year old blind sea lion, a lot of fish and were able to do some fun tricks with him.  And then we were brought out to the main water area, where another trainer introduced us to another sea lion.  Milo, much younger and sleeker, got a couple of fish snacks and then his trainer said that my job was to simply pull the buoy, which she would throw out, from Milo’s mouth when he returned with it.

Simple enough.

And yet…  I pulled it out of his mouth and let it hang at my side wondering what was next.  What else could we do with Milo?

As I sat there staring ahead the trainer said, “I think there might be something written on the other side.”

So, little stunned – What is Milo trying to tell me? – I turn the buoy over.  And what I see surprises me so much that I am stunned into silence: Will You Marry Me?

I turn around to find Wes down on one knee with a ring box open.  “Will you marry me?” he asks, a little shakily.