You’ll Forget

That’s what the mothers in my life tell me: you’ll forget how awful you feel right now and you’ll want to do it all over again. That’s what I’m counting on. Morning sickness (which is a huge misnomer as it lasts all fucking day) seems to be back as strong as it ever was. The zofran is only mildly helping, in that I maybe don’t throw up every few hours but I still feel near-constant nausea.

A lot of people are telling me that a lot of morning sickness means the baby’s healthy, which I don’t think is true. All it means is that my body has a lot of hormones running through it and as long as I’m still getting sick my body still has a baby to support. I admit to a little comfort in this fact over the past few weeks, when all I had to prove I was pregnant was how sick I was. But now I’m ready for those hormones to level off and to get to the relatively easy part that is supposed to be the second trimester; to have some energy back; to want to eat again.

Baby gifts are making their way to us and we have started talking about re-arrangements that need to be made for the baby. Six months from now we’ll be a family of four (I know, Tsunami’s “just” a dog, but she’ll always be part of the family number) and the thought makes me scared and excited all at the same time. How many things will change when we have a baby to think about. We thought when we got a dog our carefree lifestyle was gone, and it was, in a way; but nothing will compare to bringing a baby home.

So, yes, right now this whole pregnancy thing fucking sucks. But I know that when the baby comes I’ll have very little recollection of the details of these first few months. I’ll remember them being not great but the specifics will be lost. I’ll forget because the baby at the end of this journey will make me forget.

The First Trimester

I’ve stayed away from the blog because all I’ve had to say for the last, oh, eight weeks would be: “I feel fucking awful.” There’s only so many times you can talk about throwing up before everyone suspects you’re pregnant, which is what we were trying to avoid (even though everyone – including myself – responds with an emphatic, “I knew it!!!!” And to be honest, I half wish that I hadn’t been pregnant this whole time just to prove everyone wrong.) so I just stopped writing. Well, also, it’s hard to write when all you do is sleep and throw up and cry.

Years ago (hell, even months ago), I was convinced that I would enjoy every moment of pregnancy. I thought I would be adorably round and happy and glowing and feel energized. I have always been a little scared of what would happen after the baby comes home (post-partum depression, a dog and a baby), but I was never very concerned about actually being pregnant.

Turns out maybe I should have been preparing myself for this. Because it’s awful; or, at least, it has been so far. right now, 14 weeks in, I have not enjoyed one moment. Well, maybe the moment when the pregnancy test came back positive. But everything else has…sucked. I have thrown up all but maybe six days, starting with week 6. That’s eight fucking weeks of constant nausea. Eight weeks of running to the bathroom and leaning over the toilet; of hoping that today’s not the day that I throw up on the bus. Eight weeks of leaving work early or not coming in at all.

This week I thought that it was getting better (three days of no puking, though I was still nauseous), but yesterday the not being able to eat came back. Or of throwing up immediately after I ate. Today I had to leave work early, again. As much as I enjoy never-ending episodes of Law & Order, I’d like to get out in the world again. I’d like to stay up past 8 o’clock and have dinner with friends or go to the beach.

I’m sure it will get better (it has to, right?).  My mom friends tell me that once the baby is born you forget about all the bad parts of pregnancy. Let’s hope so because I’m not sure I’ll be able to do this again.