SAHM

This is how we start the day

The downside to not working, if there is one at all, is coming up with reasons to get dressed. Other than  I probably should get dressed, which is usually my only reason. Last week I put running on the back burner to try out 30 Day Shred because, while I’m well below pre-pregnancy weight, there are still some areas that could use some toning. The first time I’d tried the DVD was about five weeks after Stella was born and it kicked my ass so much that I stopped doing it because holding Stella and being able to walk up the stairs were way more important than toning my arms and legs. I assumed there would still be that level of ass-kickiness but 6 months of carrying a baby around has actually been pretty good for my arms and legs. The whole thing, starting with Jilian’s spiel about why she’s doing this, is less than 30 minutes long so I can complete it and shower while Stella naps. The downside is that I can do it from the comfort of my living room so why leave the house at all if we don’t need to? Here’s why: because after a week – okay, fine, three days – of just sitting at home with a baby and leaving the house only to check the mail makes me a little crazy. Wes says he can see the crazy anger in my eyes when he gets home. Frustration and boredom is more like it, but still, not the welcome he’d like to receive upon returning home to his family.

Crazy eyes are genetic

In the past, we’d head to Ko Olina to go running after I finished breakfast and be home in time for Stella’s second breakfast and nap. I’d be able to shower and get maybe do some chores or just sit in silence and read a book. But because I’ve been working out at home we spend a lot of day on the living room floor. There’s squealing and grabbing of toys and trying to keep Tsunami’s tongue out of Stella’s mouth and Stella’s mouth off of Tsunami’s fur and collar. We watch a little day time television (which is the absolute worst) and read some stories. And take many many phone pictures to try and entertain Stella. Okay, fine, to entertain me. She’s got plenty of toys at her disposal and a mom who mimics her sounds and raspberries her all over. She’s plenty entertained.

So close

We eat little lunch, which is quite the production since Stella started solid foods. She’s the messiest eater ever. She hasn’t quite figured out that you can ingest food without sucking it in so she’s constantly pulling the spoon into her mouth and sucking the food off of it, or, if I can sneak the spoon in without her help, she immediately pulls her two middle fingers in and starts sucking. Food gets everywhere and though I try to keep things as clean as possible, it’s a constant struggle. The bib below is really the only one that helps (thanks Cooper!) but we only have two of them and they clearly need to be washed after each meal so most of the time she just goes without clothing.

Papaya

Do you see what I mean? Two ounces of prunes and at least a quarter of that ends up on her.

Prunes

After lunch sometimes she’ll take a nap in her crib and sometimes she’ll be ready to play for a little bit longer. So there’s more time on the floor, surrounded by toys and frantically looking at the clock to see how long until Wes gets home. 

Piano (wo)man

By four o’clock we both feel like this:

Where’s Dad?!

Listen, I love staying at home with Stella. I love that we have the option of me not working. I love playing with her and taking pictures of her and echoing back all her various sounds (and there are a lot of them these days). I love that I get to see her grow and change and accomplish new things. But a week straight in the house with a crazy dog and a six and a half month old? I think that’s trying for anyone. And after the first day of not doing something it’s so easy to just fall into a rut of staying in and getting cabin fever and not being your best self. And I want to be my best self, not only for me but for my daughter as well. So tomorrow it’s back to Ko ‘Olina for running in the morning. And grocery shopping and, probably, a trip or two to Target. I might end up spending a few more dollars in the week but I think that everyone in this household would agree that it’s better than the Shining-like behavior I exhibit when I don’t leave the house.

January, I Am Over You

Last night after Wes got home we took a little family walk because the grass was wet from all the rain earlier in the day and Tsunami hates getting her paws wet for some reason even though she’s a fucking hunting dog and should not be so worried about those things (sometimes when it rains she poops on the patio because she just can’t bring herself to venture out from underneath the porch). I was getting annoyed at all sorts of things when finally Wes asked me what was wrong. And, really, everything’s good except for one GIANT thing: my eye is still healing. Nearly a month after the initial scratch and I’m still sporting my glasses and walking with my head down to avoid the light. I’m like a vampire.

I got a second opinion last Tuesday and this doctor said she could see a “pretty significant scar” which means that the initial abrasion or ulcer or scratch or whatever it fucking was must have been pretty impressive to leave such a scar three weeks later. Well, that’s nice to know since the first doctor made it seem like no big deal and my regular eye doctor said nothing about a scar and basically told me that I might just have to deal with light sensitivity for the rest of my life (and let me just tell you a little story about Hawaii: it’s always fucking sunny. Forget Philadelphia, this is the real It’s Always Sunny location). She also said that the cornea takes for ever to heal and that I’d just have to suck it up for another couple of weeks. Fortunately she didn’t seem worried about it at all.

So for nearly a month I’ve been muddling through my days. I can’t get out and go running because I can’t see without my glasses and with my glasses I can’t see because it’s too sunny. I can’t enjoy an evening on the couch with my husband because by the time we put Stella to bed my eye has had it for the day. Last night I went to bed at 8pm because what’s the point? I can’t watch television. I can’t read quietly next to Wes. I can just sleep. And even that’s uncomfortable because when I get into a horizontal position my eye gets incredible sensitive to something and I have to squeeze it shut while tears pour out as my eye becomes accustomed to my new position.

I had plans to start 2013 with a BANG but instead I’m just trying to get through the day. Wes tells me it’s because I’m not working out – that I was much happier when I was running every day. And that is partly true. But also, I’m miserable because I feel like I can’t do anything. That I’m trapped by this stupid eye issue and why won’t it just fucking heal already? Stella finally fits in the hiking backpack my parents gave us and Wes has been talking about hiking for weeks and we just haven’t been able to because I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it through a hike. I’m getting cabin fever from staying inside all the time because I don’t know how my eye will react to the sun when I leave the house.

In the last couple of days it feels like there’s been a change for the better, but it’s still a nagging annoyance and I just want it to be healed already. I have been telling myself all month that by February it will be healed, but the closer I get to that date the less sure I am about it.

 

2013, Let’s Do This

I love a good list, and I make them all the time. To Do lists. Packing lists. Dinner lists. Grocery lists. All of them. I love the sense of accomplishment when I cross something off my list. Unfortunately, I usually get distracted by something or other (or I simply lose the list) and I don’t get the satisfaction of crossing anything off. Also related are the piles I make around the house (and which Wes hates, though I don’t blame him). I have plans to DO THINGS and then something else comes along and I forget what I had planned to do.

Which brings me to New Year’s Resolutions because that is the ultimate in list making. A set of goals that you want to accomplish throughout the year but that are usually abandoned before President’s Day. I make them every year, if not on paper then at least in my mind. Do Better. Be Better. Clean the bathrooms and the countertops and finally organize the photos and the kitchen. And. And. And. It’s no wonder I abandon them all.

And yet, I’ll still continue to make them. Because I want to be the type of person that has her piles under control. I want to be the type of person that makes a list and sticks to it instead of just not doing something. So this year I started thinking about goals before January 1st like I usually do. That said I wrote them in a journal that’s already upstairs in the bookshelf so I’m going by memory a little.

Health

My follow-up diabetes test came back a little abnormal so now I have to do more testing. My GP thinks that this test will come back fine since it wasn’t even close when I had my physical in April. But if it does come back he’s pretty sure that Type 2 diabetes can be prevented with diet and exercise, which is something that I should be doing anyway since it does run in my family. I’ve been splurging on sugar a lot lately, which is a little weird since I have don’t really have a sweet tooth. I’ve already cut back a lot on carbs (pretty easy to do since I was eating a lot of them) but the sugar also needs to be cut back. A lot. As in, maybe we don’t need to buy ice cream every time we go grocery shopping. More vegetables and more fruits.

I’ve been thinking about running and goals surrounding that. I want number that’s realistic but also pushes me a bit. I think I ended up at 780 miles, which is 15 miles a week, which works out to 3 miles a day for 5 days. Pre-baby that would sound like a weak goal, but with a baby to push along and figure out timing and what not, it’s something I’ll have to push to make happen.

Relationships

Surround myself with people who bring me up. We have so many friends out here that make me happier to be in a relationship because they are so happy. When I’m around them they bring me up and I love spending time with people like that. A few summer ago some girlfriends and I would sit around bitching about our husbands and I would come home annoyed. And my complaints were minor but when we were all together it felt like that’s what women should do: bitch about husbands. Those two ladies are now divorced from their husbands, and their complaints were real but I just got sucked into it because sometimes it’s easy. If the worst thing that bothers me about my husband is that he leaves milk glasses out occasionally, I’ll take it. So none of that. I want to focus on the good in my relationships and I want to stop making other people’s problems my own.

I want to write more letters and emails and send more post cards. I have a drawer of stationary that I’ve been hauling around for years, refusing to send it because it’s so pretty. So I keep it in a drawer instead. How much sense does that make? We have friends and family scattered around the country and I want to keep in touch with them on a more personal level than FaceBook.

I want to focus on what’s in front of me. Sometimes I feel like my days are no longer my own. I’m either with Stella or Wes and sometimes I just crave an hour to crawl into bed and read a book or do a crossword puzzle and not have to talk to anyone. So maybe I carve out time for that so that when I am around my family I’m with them and not fantasizing about an hour to myself. I’m incredibly lucky to have such a great husband and baby and I want to be present when I’m with them.

Personal

I want to write more. Every day. We spent New Year’s Eve with our friends who have a baby three months younger than Stella and it blows my mind that Stella was every that small and newborn. That she didn’t come out smiling and cooing and loving to watch football with her dad. Every day she changes and I want to write it down before I forget it all.

I want to take more pictures and make an effort to figure out my camera. I’ve had it for three years and I still can’t seem to remember anything I learn about it.

Go through my cookbooks. How many of these things do I own and hardly ever look at? So many. And every week I struggle to come up with a dinner menu and end up falling back on the old reliables. This year I’d like to try one new recipe a week.

Read a book. Not a lot of them. Maybe let’s start small with one book a month. I think I can handle that.

Keep making lists but stop making piles. Get shit done.

***********

I’m going to bookmark this page and check back monthly to see how I’m doing because what’s the point of making goals if I’m just going to forget about them? 2013 isn’t just going to become amazing. I have to make it amazing.

Year in Review: 2012

Check out 2010 and 2011.

1. What did you do in 2012that you’d never done before?

Grew and birthed a baby! And that’s basically it since having said baby meant that I was sick for the better part of the year.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions and will you make more for next year?

I can’t even remember if I made any resolutions, let alone what they would have been. Throwing up daily for nearly six months meant that I didn’t do a lot of anything. So probably not. But I will make more this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Besides me? Yes. A lot of people. In January we welcomed our niece, Aspen. In August our friends Ben & Amber had Gunnar. In September there was Stella. In October our friends JC & Theresa had baby Jack. Also in October Wes’ friend had a baby girl. Also in October my cousin had a baby boy. In December another baby Jack was born. Lots of babies this year. Which has been nice for me!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Wes’ grandfather passed away in June.

5. What countries did you visit?

We stayed in the US for our travels this year. Again.

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?

Well, I finally got my shorter commute and expanded our family, so I’d say that I’m pretty set for 2013. Maybe more getting out of the house and doing things with Tsunami and Stella. We spent a lot of time indoors this year because of morning sickness and then getting Stella out of her newborn stage.

7. What dates in 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

September 17 and the surrounding days because that’s when Stella was born. Thanksgiving week because that’s when everyone met Stella. And there is nothing like seeing your family meet your baby for the first time.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Growing a baby! That shit is hard.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I don’t think I had a biggest failure. I threw up daily for nearly six months. I pushed a baby out of my lady bits. I’ve been nursing said baby for over three months. I (sometimes) do laundry and vacuum. I shower and brush my teeth daily. I’m a goddamn rock star!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I hate to harp on this, but I threw up daily for nearly six months and then gave birth to an 8lb baby! And just a few days ago I scratched my cornea, which I think is worse than child birth because at least then I was offered an epidural.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A hospital stay to have a baby. Man, 2012 was just Year of the Baby apparently.

12. Where did most of your money go?

Without a doubt: the hospital where I delivered.

13. What did you get really excited about?

Having a baby, of course.

14. What song will always remind you of 2012?

Oh, jeez. This one. Since it came on the radio every ten minutes and my mom and I rocked out to it while she was here.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:

happpier or sadder? I had a baby! So definitely happier. But also sadder because I had a baby and I cry at everything. Even more than I did before my hormones were all wacky from having a baby.

thinner or fatter? Well, it depends on which part of me you’re looking at. I’m still carrying some excess weight/skin around the midsection but I’m thinner everywhere else. Breastfeeding really is helping shed the weight. But so is getting out and exercising, which I’ve been trying to do regularly not only to get exercise but to get out of the house and get Stella a nap.

richer or poorer? Money-wise, poorer since I quit working in June. But, again, the experience side of this year was worth every penny we spent and gave up in order to raise Stella.

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Spent more time outdoors hiking and camping and such. Run. Swim. Bike. I had really high hopes of being able to exercise for at least the first trimester but my body had other plans.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Throwing up.

18. How did you spend Christmas?

We had an early Christmas with my family in Portland. The actual day we spent here in Hawaii with a few friends. We FaceTimed with family and tried to get Stella excited about Santa but she wasn’t interested.

19. What was your favorite tv program?

Community. NCIS. (I’m addicted to crime dramas.) And recently, The League. How I Met Your Mother.

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

I hardly read this year, unfortunately.

21. What was your favorite music of this year?

Nothing pops out at me.

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

I guess the new Batman movie. Did that come out this year? I can’t remember seeing too many movies because of all of the vomiting I did.

23. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?

I turned 30 (!) and spent it playing Bunco with some girlfriends because I was 8 months pregnant. We also had a small pool party with friends. Again, 8 months pregnant so nothing too crazy.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Less throwing up.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?

Oh, jesus. Hangover chic? Morning sickness, to me, felt like the worst wine hangover ever. I’m sure if I looked at pictures of February – April I would see a hot mess but I consider any day I got out of bed and showered without first puking a good day.

26. What kept you sane?

Wes. Knowing that I was going to have a baby.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012?

The baby is always right. Nothing lasts forever.

Happy New Year, All. I’m off to rest my eye and hope that by the time 2013 I’ll be able to see!

Sweet Tooth

Back in June I took my glucose test to see if I had gestational diabetes. Knowing that I have a family history of Type 2 Diabetes made me a little nervous, but I’m also in pretty good shape and eat fairly healthy (less so since I got pregnant). Obviously, I know nothing about how the body works because I failed my test. And not just barely failed; I was nearly 50 points over the mark. I went back the following week for the 3-hour test, which includes 4 blood draws over three hours on an empty stomach (including no water). I failed one of the blood draws and was borderline on one but in the normal range for the other two. So no gestational diabetes for me, but the results showed that I could have a lowered glucose tolerance level and my doctor advised me to cut back on white carbs (bread, pasta, rice, basically all things delicious) and to get more exercise. So I started back up with swimming during the week and was able to cut down on white carbs, which I thought would be hard but has been pretty easy.

Now, I’ve never really had a sweet tooth, give me french fries over ice cream any day, but since getting pregnant I’ve not only wanted sugar but I’ve convinced myself that it was okay to indulge in my cravings because when the heck else would I be given a free pass to eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. While Wes’ mom was in town our freezer was always stocked with ice cream and there were always peanut m&m’s in the cupboard. Of course I ate them – pregnancy apparently = free pass on food. They tasted delicious as I was shoveling them in my mouth but afterwards I would feel ill. Still, I kept going back to them. Even after she left and I told myself that was that, I had a hard time not eating sweets. In line at the grocery store I would grab a chocolate bar, something I rarely did before but was now happening on a pretty regular basis. “I’m giving up sugar,” I would think to myself. But then I would get a sweet craving and I’d indulge. Afterwards, without fail and regardless of what type of sweet thing I’d just eaten, I would feel queasy.

I keep a list in my head of the things I want for my daughter, and at night as we’re falling asleep Wes and I will list what we want for her and for us as a family. At the top of that list is to be good examples of how to lead a healthy lifestyle. I’ve always felt that it would be pretty easy for us but after this little sugar fiasco I’m not so sure. How can I show her how to be healthy when I’m having such a hard time cutting out something that makes me physically sick?

This morning I was catching up on a blog and read this post and the thing that jumped out at me: “Nothing changes if nothing changes.” So right now, something’s got to change: I’m giving up sugar. Small steps, obviously. Right now all I can focus on is cutting out the obviously sugary items (ie, candy bars, ice cream, sodas, cookies) because that’s what I think is making me feel the worst. If I feel better then I’ll know it was the sugar that was making me sick, though all accounts of people who have given up sugar say that they feel better even if there were no serious issues to begin with. I know this won’t be easy, but I gave up alcohol cold turkey so how hard can cutting out sugar be?

Thirty

I turned thirty yesterday and for someone who is usually so keyed up about my birthday, it was pretty uneventful. Being seven months pregnant has that effect on a birthday, I suppose. I have been hearing for years that as you age, birthdays become less relavant and I would think to myself that no way will I not ever make a big deal about my birthday. But here I am, thirty years old and there was no countdown to the big day. I attended a ladies night Bunco game for Pete’s sake. Maybe next year, when I’m feeling better and can enjoy an adult beverage, I’ll get back to my usual excitement for my birthday.

In the months leading up to this birthday I wondered if I would start to freak out over this milestone birthday. I thought there might be a moment where I had a small breakdown at the idea of being THIRTY. But I didn’t. Perhaps it’s something to do with the weather in Hawaii; it’s hard to keep track of time when every day is just like the one before so it didn’t feel like my birthday was coming up. But I think more than that it’s that I’m so totally comfortable with where I’m at in my life that turning thirty didn’t seem like that big of a deal. Turning 27 and living with my boyfriend who seemingly would never propose and working at a job I didn’t like, living in a city I hated was a harder birthday than 30.  Thirty was just another day closer to Stella’s birthday.

I did win a prize in for the most Buncos in last night’s game, so it’s not like it was all boring.

29 Weeks

29 weeks and 1 day. I feel huge and can barely breathe but at least I’m able to sleep again!

This past week was my first week of unemployment and not having to wake up early and ride an hour on a bus has improved my mood by about 2000%. And that’s not an exaggeration. We’ve had Wes’ family in town for the past week so there has been a lot of beach time, which has been my plan since I decided on my end date at work.

I had plans to be incredibly productive on Monday afternoon before our visitors arrived but Monday morning Stella had shifted to what felt like directly on top of my lungs, making it very difficult to breathe. After every trip upstairs and back down I would need about twenty minutes to recover. So all the plans I had for unemployment are going to have to be modified a little bit to accomodate my new lack of breath.

For the Fourth of July we went to a BBQ at our friends’ house who live right on the beach. There weren’t any fireworks shows on our side of the island, so we watched the Honolulu and Pearl Harbor shows from their backyard. From so far away they looked like just large ferris wheels in the distance.

By yesterday afternoon I seemed to be able to breathe a little bit better, but Stella had also become a little less active. Probably because I haven’t been drinking enough water for how much we’ve been at the beach. I decided to take today off from the beach to rehydrate and hopefully get some more action out of her before I started freaking out for real. An hour at home with just some water and relaxation and I’m at ease once again.

 

 

Twenty Two Weeks Pregnant

I’m officially closer to the end than I was to the beginning. At five months pregnant I finally am starting to feel better, which I thought was nearly impossible. I haven’t had to take zofran in over a week and my appetite is back.

We found out four weeks ago that we’re having a girl and she’s already got Wes wrapped around her finger. He previously didn’t want to paint any room in our apartment  but just days after finding out he had come up with an elaborate paint theme for the nursery, which is turning out to be a lot harder to make happen than we thought. But we will make it happen because it’s a great idea and will look great.

Going into the ultrasound I thought we were going to have a boy. I’m not sure why, except that maybe I really wanted a girl so I was preparing myself to not have one so that I wouldn’t be disappointed or sad or whatnot. When the tech said it was a girl we were both excited. I thought about all the adorable little clothes we could buy. And the mother-daughter things she and I could do together. And the father-daughter relationship she’d have with her daddy.

Days later, though, and I was scared. Scared of raising a daughter to be strong and independent and have respect for herself. I got scared remembering the me of 10 years ago and 8 years ago and how I had very little of those things. How I was scared and didn’t feel strong at all. I think about all the foolish decision I made because I was searching for something and I didn’t know what. How do I make sure that my daughter doesn’t feel lost and scared and alone? How do I make sure that she makes the right decisions?

This is something that I’ll probably fight with for the rest of my life: how to make my daughter strong. The only answer that we’ve come up with so far is to just be there for her. Be supportive and strict and show her how much we love her every day. I know parenting will be a constant struggle to keep up and though I’m scared of a lot of it, I’m also looking forward to the challenge.

 

 

Except That I’m Married

Me: I want you to know that there’s a Perry Mason marathon on today. An I’m watching it.

My brother: I want you to know you are Liz Lemon.

Rocket Man

This is one I should have had on my Life List but was scared to put it on in case it never happened: see Elton John in concert. Along with Eric Clapton, Elton John has been at the top of the list of musical artists I wanted to see live. So a couple of months ago when Wes heard that he was coming to town (though I don’t know where he heard it since there seemed to be no publicity on it) we snatched up tickets as soon as they were available.

The show was scheduled for 8 o’clock but we assumed, like all concerts, that it wouldn’t start on time. Elton John, though, is a professional and when we walked in at 8:15 he was already rocking out.

I’m not convinced lilac is a good color on me. 

He played for two hours straight. Some songs we knew and some we didn’t because when you see someone who’s been performing that long there’s bound to be some music that you don’t know.

After every song he stood up from his piano and pointed at the crowd and bowed, seemingly genuinely enthused that we had all come out for his show.

So basically, I slept with Elton John is what I’m trying to say.

(All photos from my iphone because I didn’t think cameras would be allowed in. I was wrong and I think the moral of the story is that I should always have a real camera with me.)