Like most people, I hate losing. What fun is playing a game – any game – just to lose? And I’m not talking about just sports, I’m talking about any game. I hate losing. And I take it personally.
Saturday night Wes and I played a game of Monopoly and I got killed. It just ceased to be fun after Wes had put up five house each on two separate monopolies when I didn’t have one monopoly. And then the mortgaging began because I just kept landing on his properties while he kept landing on Chance and Community Chest and, more importantly, not having to pay me rent. I hated it. So while Wes is over there enjoying a friendly game I sit stewing in my…what? Self-pity? Not funness? I don’t even know what I was stewing it but it wasn’t enjoyable.
The whole time I knew I was being ridiculous and I tried to calm myself down but every time I’d succeed something else would happen – I’d be sent to jail for the 10th time (I kid you not, I went to jail three times in a row at one point), he added another row of houses, I still didn’t have a monoply, he narrowly missed all my properties, I narrowly landed on all of his, etc., etc., etc. – I hated it even more. And then I would get mad at myself for taking it so seriously, starting the stupid cycle all over again.
I read once that a gambling was something that people do to get acknowledgement from the universe. Like, if you win then something out there is looking out for you. So, conversely, if you lose then no one out there cares. And I think that’s how I look at games: if it’s all just dumb luck then why can’t I get any of that? If it’s all a matter of how the dice rolls or what letters you get then why is it so difficult for me to win a game? In the past week I’ve played three different games about 25 times. The amount of times I’ve won: two.
And I can’t help but take it personally: like the universe is saying Fuck you. I’m hoping the more times I play the less it feels like this. I’m also hoping that the people I’m playing against will want to continue playing, no matter how many tantrums I throw about losing.