Every so often Wes and I rehash a point of contention that’s not likely to go away or change any time soon. His job is of the not stable variety. Not stable in that we don’t know if he’ll have a job next week; not stable in that we don’t know what city we’ll be in next year. Any day (today, next week, December) he could be transferred to any of a dozen cities where his company does business.
Understandably, I’m not super excited about this. Especially after this first move, which was about one hundred times more difficult than I had ever imagined. Job hunting, friend making, all of it has been difficult. So the thought of starting over not just once, but probably multiple times, makes me nervous and sad and mad and ubelievably frustrated. Why can’t it just be easy? I think about a million times throughout the day.
Sometimes in my very maddest (and saddest) of days I tell Wes that I won’t follow him everywhere. I say that I’ll make one last move to get to Somewhere That’s Not Southern California and That Hopefully is Near Friends and (some) Family. And he counters with various arguments about how we might not have to deal with moving to [insert awful city here]. That perhaps we’ll get lucky and it will never be an issue – yay!
And I? Well, I have a hard time believing that. So my frustrations mount and in my mind there’s scenario after scenario, and they are mostly not pretty.
Yesterday was one of those “conversations” and I have been in a funk ever since, like I am after every one of these. And I swear that I won’t think about it and I won’t broach the topic because it’s all hypothetical and I am working myself up over something that hasn’t happend and could possibly not happen. But then, of course, I just obsess over it. Everything I think about or do relates, some how, to the situation.
Today, for once, that might be a good thing. I searched through Slate archives for a specific article from David Plotz about Evan Almighty that I’d read a couple of years ago. I copied some quotes from the article but lost the moleskine they were in. I’ve never seen the movie, but this article (review?) was great in so many ways and the quotes I copied were relevant to so many things. But this one especially got to me today: “Any moron will believe when an omnipotent divine being appears in the back seat of his car and starts sending him pairs of lions and giraffes. The lesson of the Bible is that faith is hard, and unrewarding, and painful. Faith is belief when there are no giraffes.”
There are no giraffes around and I’m having a hard time seeing the silver lining in all of these clouds. I want someone – someone who knows – to tell me that it will be okay. That everything will work itself out and we’ll live happily ever after. It won’t happen.
Shit is going to suck for a while. But after that it’s going to get better. From here on out: faith without the giraffes.