One of my faults is that I get frustrated easily. Which leads to me not completing a lot of tasks I set out to do because It’s Just Too Difficult to follow through. My thought process goes something like this: 1) Grand Idea that I’m super excited about and ready to go for (see: blogging every day for a month, working out every day for a month, cooking regular meals, not eating awful foods, and the list goes on); 2) Dive in and go hard for a week or so; 3) Lament that fact that It’s Just Too Difficult to get the desired (perfect) outcome; 4) Mope; 5) Cry; 6) Give up.
Yes, in the end a lot of things I start I just end up giving up on because the way I want it to end is so clearly not going to happen. And the reason why it’s not going to happen? Because I’ve gotten by most of my life on being Just Good Enough and most of my Grand Ideas are, well, they’re GRAND and Just Good Enough isn’t going to get them finished.
Like the GRE I signed up for months ago because my job is just so damn boring and unchallenging and is slowly sucking the life and (what was left of any I originally started with) inspiration right out of me. But then the studying, dear lord, it just never ended. Math that I haven’t done in many many many years. And part of why I don’t follow through with things is that some of them just make me feel dumb. And I hate hate hate feeling dumb. It’s the most horrible feeling in the world and I can switch from being The Smartest Person in the Whole Wide World of Course I Will Pass the GRE with Flying Colors to I Am So Dumb Why Am I Even Trying to Delude Myself Into Thinking That This is a Good Idea? in about three questions.
So, of course, I put off studying. And because I put off studying it the questions never get easier; the equations don’t stick with me. And then I don’t want to study. Can you see the cycle of OMG I SUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!?
The test is in less than two weeks and even though I postponed it an additional month from the original test date, I am no closer to feeling confident about it. No closer to feeling like I will make this standardized test my bitch than I was when I signed up for it. In fact, I think I’m further away now that I have started (sort of) studying because I realize how daunting it is.
My brother is really smart. I mean, like really really reallysmart. But he’s also very dumb. Dumb because he’s never applied himself. Whereas I will do things Just Good Enough (see: high school, college and every job I’ve ever had), he just won’t do them because What is the Point? He didn’t graduate high school and he hasn’t completed college – not that either of those things make one successful. So my Just Good Enough has probably always seemed much better than it actually is. I’ve never had to push myself because he didn’t.
Wes has been trying to help me study. And I love that he wants me to succeed, is pushing me to do something more than what I’m doing because he knows how un-fulfilling it is. But is there anything worse than studying a subject you know next-to-nothing about with someone who does it every day? I know some people out there would think that it would be awesome because he knows it all already! He’ll help you understand! Well, to those people I say: HA! That is not how I feel at all. At all. I feel even more dumb because to him it’s just a walk in the park, and to me it’s this huge mountain that I’ll never be able to climb (hello, dramatics!). It’s a THING. A thing that makes me cry and scratch out wrong answers with enough anger to rip the paper.
And yes, I do believe he gets frustrated. Frustrated because he knows this isn’t the end of the world. He knows that if I just study then I’ll get it – or I’ll get it enough to complete the test. Frustrated because he believes in me when I refuse to (and yes, when I’m in the middle of it, I do refuse to believe that I will ever understand it).
I guess what it comes down to is that I’ve been okay with being mediocre my entire life. I’ve been okay Just Getting By. And I don’t want to be that person any more. I don’t want to give up on ideas and dreams just because it looks too hard to accomplish. I want to follow through on something. And then I want to tackle another goal and complete it. I’m sick of my life being a constant question of Why the hell can’t I just do something about it? and more of I’m fucking doing it!!!!!!!
My life needs more accomplished goals.
Starting with the GRE.