So I was doing really good at the NaBloPoMo, right? Well, sort of. To be honest, I should have failed on day 3 or something like that. But my mom sent me a text message just as I was headed to dream land and I put up a quick post about something trivial. And then she text messaged me on several different days when I was woefully slacking (because that’s what I do). I’m sort of ambivalent on how I feel about it. Thankful that she prompted me? Upset that I couldn’t fail (or succeed) on my own? Mad when I finally did fail because she didn’t remind me?
Probably all of the above. I want to make this blog a serious part of my life but I have a hard time getting there. As evidenced by how often I post, and what I post about. I leave a lot of stuff out because I’m worried of how it will sound to people who know me and read this (though, to be fair, not a lot are regular readers (and there’s a whole slew of emotions on that one as well) so why I bother to censor certain things is beyond me.). So maybe I’ll just stop. Stop censoring myself, that is.
And let’s start with the wedding. I’m overwhelmed at how much there is to do. I’m overwhelmed with how much people want to help us find a place to get married. I’m overwhelmed with trying to make sure that everyone gets their say and that everything is easy for everyone. I’m trying to make this wedding into all things for all people when really it’s just about two people: me and Wes. And yet, I still can’t help but want to please as many people as possible. So we pick Portland where it’s fairly central and not crazy expensive to get to; but then my mom is bummed because we picked Portland over Boise. And let’s not even count the amount of weddings that everyone I know seems to be going to in 2010. A lot. And after attending four this year, I totally understand how sucky this is – especially when so many of them are out of town.
We spent the last weekend in Portland searching for venues and it was just exhausting. And we only looked at 7! Over four days! Nothing popped out at us so we’re going back in three weeks to try again. I was hoping that some place would just stand out and we’d both go “Oh yeah, this is it.” But nothing has been like that*.
The amount of money that a wedding takes to put on is giving me nightmares. Do I want to (make my parents) go in debt to host this thing? Absolutely not. Do I want our family and friends there to celebrate with us? Very much so. What I want is the ease and cost of just eloping, but with all of our friends and family to celebrate. And for my dad to walk me down the aisle.
I think I’m feeling down because I really want our wedding to be awesome and I’m stressing myself out trying to get it to that point. On top of that, in the wake of Prop 8 in California and other let downs in Maine and NY, I’m feeling guilty that I can marry when so many people can. I feel selfish for making this happen when I have friends who can’t.
I’ll snap out of once we get things going. (Well, the overwhelming feeling I have; I think I’ll still be upset out stupid people voting stupidly on something that shouldn’t even be debated – if same-sex couples want to go through this hassle and then maybe deal with divorces when spouses cheat (if Tiger can cheat, anyone can cheat) then let them.) I fly to San Francisco next weekend to try on wedding dresses and mingle with friends and bridesmaids and hopefully chill the fuck out. After that it’s back to Portland where we will look at even more venues – as many venues as we can fit in two days – and hopefully this wedding will take shape. After that it’s Christmas in Boise. Each trip brings us closer to the transfer and I’m crossing my fingers that we’ll find out soon where that next move will take us.
*The one thing we managed to accomplish on this trip to Portland is to find wedding bands and I could not be more excited about what we came up with. So excited that eloping sounds better and better, the quicker I can get that beauty on my finger!