The truth is that I don’t like my job. But more than that I don’t like that I have no idea what I want to do. Or, rather, that I know what I want to do but am too fucking scared of failing to go out there and do it. I read all these blogs from beautifully creative people and am inspired by that, but when it comes time for me to think about what I want to do I refuse to admit that that’s the path I want. Photography. Writing. Creating.
Instead, I look at 40 hour a week jobs and try to find something that might possibly strike my fancy and I’m not sure why. Because trying for a creative outlet that will make money scares the shit out of me. Because I know the time that will have to go into and I’m not sure I have that sort of dedication in me. I don’t have it in my to go for something bigger.
The fear of losing a dream I’ve had has kept me from doing so many things. I didn’t study abroad because I wasn’t sure how to pay for it and I was scared of leaving my life behind and what if when I came back it was all different. I was too scared to transfer to a different city to finish my undergrad because I didn’t want to have to make new friends. But all those friends I was worried about leaving left me anyway. I didn’t invite a single college friend to my wedding so I’m not sure why I thought all those people were so important that I couldn’t leave them even for four months.
We’ve been talking about how we want to raise our kids and more than anything I don’t want to pass on this paralyzing fear that I’ll fail. I want to teach my kids that they should try; that even if they fail life will go on. But, much like I’m worried that Wes won’t be able to teach them to like fruits and vegetables, I’m worried that I’ll never be able to show them what they’re capable of.
When it comes to what I want to do, I’m much more comfortable living under the idea that something’s possible than trying to turn that idea into reality. My camera sits mostly unused and my blog mostly neglected with thoughts unwritten because I’m scared that it will not meet the standards I’ve created for myself, even though I’ve never actually sat down to think about what said standards would be. I just know I would never meet them.
I’ve gotten better when it comes to physicality. When I sign up for a race I make sure that I train for it. The training isn’t always as stringent as it should be, but I’m learning how to put a schedule in place and to follow it. When I arrive on race days I feel good about the effort I’ve put into my preparation. When the times are posted I don’t say, “I did good for not training”, but “I did good because I trained” so why can’t I put the same sort of schedule on my creativity? Why do I find it impossible to get better at something?