I’ve stayed away from the blog because all I’ve had to say for the last, oh, eight weeks would be: “I feel fucking awful.” There’s only so many times you can talk about throwing up before everyone suspects you’re pregnant, which is what we were trying to avoid (even though everyone – including myself – responds with an emphatic, “I knew it!!!!” And to be honest, I half wish that I hadn’t been pregnant this whole time just to prove everyone wrong.) so I just stopped writing. Well, also, it’s hard to write when all you do is sleep and throw up and cry.
Years ago (hell, even months ago), I was convinced that I would enjoy every moment of pregnancy. I thought I would be adorably round and happy and glowing and feel energized. I have always been a little scared of what would happen after the baby comes home (post-partum depression, a dog and a baby), but I was never very concerned about actually being pregnant.
Turns out maybe I should have been preparing myself for this. Because it’s awful; or, at least, it has been so far. right now, 14 weeks in, I have not enjoyed one moment. Well, maybe the moment when the pregnancy test came back positive. But everything else has…sucked. I have thrown up all but maybe six days, starting with week 6. That’s eight fucking weeks of constant nausea. Eight weeks of running to the bathroom and leaning over the toilet; of hoping that today’s not the day that I throw up on the bus. Eight weeks of leaving work early or not coming in at all.
This week I thought that it was getting better (three days of no puking, though I was still nauseous), but yesterday the not being able to eat came back. Or of throwing up immediately after I ate. Today I had to leave work early, again. As much as I enjoy never-ending episodes of Law & Order, I’d like to get out in the world again. I’d like to stay up past 8 o’clock and have dinner with friends or go to the beach.
I’m sure it will get better (it has to, right?). My mom friends tell me that once the baby is born you forget about all the bad parts of pregnancy. Let’s hope so because I’m not sure I’ll be able to do this again.