I’m officially closer to the end than I was to the beginning. At five months pregnant I finally am starting to feel better, which I thought was nearly impossible. I haven’t had to take zofran in over a week and my appetite is back.
We found out four weeks ago that we’re having a girl and she’s already got Wes wrapped around her finger. He previously didn’t want to paint any room in our apartment but just days after finding out he had come up with an elaborate paint theme for the nursery, which is turning out to be a lot harder to make happen than we thought. But we will make it happen because it’s a great idea and will look great.
Going into the ultrasound I thought we were going to have a boy. I’m not sure why, except that maybe I really wanted a girl so I was preparing myself to not have one so that I wouldn’t be disappointed or sad or whatnot. When the tech said it was a girl we were both excited. I thought about all the adorable little clothes we could buy. And the mother-daughter things she and I could do together. And the father-daughter relationship she’d have with her daddy.
Days later, though, and I was scared. Scared of raising a daughter to be strong and independent and have respect for herself. I got scared remembering the me of 10 years ago and 8 years ago and how I had very little of those things. How I was scared and didn’t feel strong at all. I think about all the foolish decision I made because I was searching for something and I didn’t know what. How do I make sure that my daughter doesn’t feel lost and scared and alone? How do I make sure that she makes the right decisions?
This is something that I’ll probably fight with for the rest of my life: how to make my daughter strong. The only answer that we’ve come up with so far is to just be there for her. Be supportive and strict and show her how much we love her every day. I know parenting will be a constant struggle to keep up and though I’m scared of a lot of it, I’m also looking forward to the challenge.