Last night after Wes got home we took a little family walk because the grass was wet from all the rain earlier in the day and Tsunami hates getting her paws wet for some reason even though she’s a fucking hunting dog and should not be so worried about those things (sometimes when it rains she poops on the patio because she just can’t bring herself to venture out from underneath the porch). I was getting annoyed at all sorts of things when finally Wes asked me what was wrong. And, really, everything’s good except for one GIANT thing: my eye is still healing. Nearly a month after the initial scratch and I’m still sporting my glasses and walking with my head down to avoid the light. I’m like a vampire.
I got a second opinion last Tuesday and this doctor said she could see a “pretty significant scar” which means that the initial abrasion or ulcer or scratch or whatever it fucking was must have been pretty impressive to leave such a scar three weeks later. Well, that’s nice to know since the first doctor made it seem like no big deal and my regular eye doctor said nothing about a scar and basically told me that I might just have to deal with light sensitivity for the rest of my life (and let me just tell you a little story about Hawaii: it’s always fucking sunny. Forget Philadelphia, this is the real It’s Always Sunny location). She also said that the cornea takes for ever to heal and that I’d just have to suck it up for another couple of weeks. Fortunately she didn’t seem worried about it at all.
So for nearly a month I’ve been muddling through my days. I can’t get out and go running because I can’t see without my glasses and with my glasses I can’t see because it’s too sunny. I can’t enjoy an evening on the couch with my husband because by the time we put Stella to bed my eye has had it for the day. Last night I went to bed at 8pm because what’s the point? I can’t watch television. I can’t read quietly next to Wes. I can just sleep. And even that’s uncomfortable because when I get into a horizontal position my eye gets incredible sensitive to something and I have to squeeze it shut while tears pour out as my eye becomes accustomed to my new position.
I had plans to start 2013 with a BANG but instead I’m just trying to get through the day. Wes tells me it’s because I’m not working out – that I was much happier when I was running every day. And that is partly true. But also, I’m miserable because I feel like I can’t do anything. That I’m trapped by this stupid eye issue and why won’t it just fucking heal already? Stella finally fits in the hiking backpack my parents gave us and Wes has been talking about hiking for weeks and we just haven’t been able to because I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it through a hike. I’m getting cabin fever from staying inside all the time because I don’t know how my eye will react to the sun when I leave the house.
In the last couple of days it feels like there’s been a change for the better, but it’s still a nagging annoyance and I just want it to be healed already. I have been telling myself all month that by February it will be healed, but the closer I get to that date the less sure I am about it.