Now vs Then

After having Stella I was a mess. 16 hours of labor and delivery had left me feeling like I had been run over by a truck. It hurt to move. Breastfeeding wasn’t as easy or natural as everyone had led me to believe it would be. Stella was sleepy and kept losing her latch so it seemed like I was constantly nursing her – once we finished it was time to start again.

The first time I cried was the day we came home from the hospital. Wes went grocery shopping and I sat on the couch while Stella slept, and I cried. And when Wes came home I took a shower and cried some more. I kept thinking, What did we do? Why did we do this? I thought that we would be permanently exhausted and I couldn’t see a way out of this stage. By the time my mom got here I was constantly on the verge of tears. But the big breakdown was when I realized that I might not get newborn photos because I hadn’t planned ahead. I cried and felt like the worst mom ever. (spoiler alert: we had newborn photos done and they were amazing and I we used the same photographer for James’)

The next day I told my mom that I wasn’t capable of making any big decisions. I didn’t care what we did or what we ate or what we watched or anything. I needed to focus on feeding Stella and healing my body. It took me over a month to feel realize that our lives weren’t ruined by the addition of a baby. And probably closer to two months before I stopped feeling guilt for every choice I made.

This time I didn’t feel any of that. The first time I cried was when I thought of my parents leaving last week (and will probably get me going again if I think about it too much). Labor and delivery was crazy quick and though my body was sore after James was born, I definitely felt better. I wanted to get out of bed and walk around and get my body moving. I sat up in bed instead of slouching down and I changed diapers instead of waking Wes up to do it because I knew he needed the sleep just as much as I did.

When we got home, the middle of the night feedings didn’t seem to exhaust me as much as they did with Stella. I was ready to get up and get moving almost immediately. I’m not sure what the difference is this time. Maybe just knowing that this stage doesn’t last forever. I won’t be waking up twice a night forever and before I know it James and Stella will be running around making my life in other crazy ways.

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Filed under Family, James, Stella

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