I’m not sure that Saturday counts as the weekend any longer, now that Wes is working full days, but if it does then our weekend started rocky. Stella refused to nap for some inexplicable reason. It was too hot (it was really hot)? We didn’t have enough activities planned? Whatever it was, she did not want to sleep and I live for those naps. It gives us both a chance to hit reset and go into the latter half of the day with gusto. It gives me time to clean or make dinner or check those items off of my To Do List. Yes, some days I just sit on the couch and don’t do anything, but most days I take advantage of nap time to get stuff done and come up with a fun plan for the afternoon that doesn’t leave us sitting in the house waiting for cabin fever to set in and Dad to come home. Because when that happens, whoa. Poor Wes walks in from his 14-hour day to grumpy mom and whiny, clingy baby because we just couldn’t get our act together. I try not to have too many of those days. Once a week is my limit and I’m working on eliminating even that one day.
So Saturday I sent Wes a text message asking him when he was coming home because our baby wasn’t napping, the implication being that I was about to break. And when he did come home, way early than I thought he would be able to, the day didn’t seem to get any better. Stella was tired, I was tired, Wes was tired. Tsunami, however, was not tired. And then Stella refused to go to sleep and we finally had to put her in her crib and let her cry for a few minutes before finally giving in, laying down, and falling fast asleep. I should have gone to bed then, too, but I didn’t. I chose to have a Conversation instead and that’s where it all got worse. I won’t bore you with the details but I did realize something Saturday night that I’m not proud of: on those days that seem incredibly long and everything seems to go wrong and I just want to lay in bed and cry, when Wes comes home I don’t greet him with a happy smile or relief in my face. I greet him icily because he’s 15 minutes late in my mind. I spend a lot of time trying to convince him (and myself) that my days are harder than his, and to some extent, he does that as well, but not like I do. I’m not proud of it, and honestly didn’t realize I was doing it. But I am and that’s not fair because our days are both hard: I can’t leave my job behind but his jobs seem to never end, either.
We keep telling each other that this year is going to be rough. Right around the time his hours become less crazy, we’ll add a newborn to our family and the craziness and exhaustion will start up again. I tell myself this on a daily basis but when a rough day happens it does not make it any easier to handle. I’m working on fixing my attitude surrounding my bad days because I can’t keep this up for the next five or six years. Our days are long; I just need to make them as fun as possible.
So it was with that mindset that I woke up on Sunday morning. I took a few items off of Wes’ To Do List and added them to mine because I at least have a few hours a day while Stella’s sleeping to do them, while Wes would have to stay late or go in early to handle them. No big deal. And then we started our day with swim lessons, where Stella was amazing and loved having her dad there to watch her kick and swim and float. Her smile when she popped up and saw him is pretty awesome, and then she would wave like Dad, did you see what I just did? and it was wonderful. After swim lessons we headed over to Kailua for breakfast with some friends and then some beach time. Usually when Wes comes home from work, Stella is already cranky and winding down for bath and bed time so he doesn’t get a lot of play time with her. We’re trying to make up for that on Sundays, and yesterday was no exception. We played in the water and in the sand and Wes built her towers just so she could collapse them and her snuggled up in a towel on his chest is something that I’ll never forget. Unfortunately, no pictures because I forget to charge cameras and our hands were to wet and sandy to take our phones out. We might only get one full day as a family of three, but we’re making the most of it.
Wisdom In Madness 